Knocking
by melzdog123
Summary: A fic in which many people do crazy things and say insane stuff. Crack!fic. What do you expect? It's a product of my mind about Hellsing. Warning:swearing.Written for fun. Parings are not to be taken seriously, unless you want to. Disclaimer: don't own.
1. Chapter 1

**I know I haven't written anything in a while… I thought this would be a nice break from life. Keep in mind that this is a crack!fic. It's not supposed to make sense. Sort of. This is all a product of headaches, popcorn and staying up till 2:30 in the morning.**

**Enjoy, and don't forget to review!**

Knocking; insistent, perpetual and bothersome.

Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing leaned back in her chair and pinched the bridge of her nose. Why couldn't she, just once, have a day where no one bothered her? Why? Sighing, she sat up in her chair and spoke:

"Enter."

Quietly, the door swung open, and into the office stepped Father Alexander Anderson from Vatican Section XIII-The Iscariot Organization. With wet hair, for some reason.

Integra bolted up from her chair and yelled, "Priest! What the bloody hell are you doing here? Be gone before I call Alucard!"

The paladin held his hands up defensively. "Nae, Sir Integra. Ah come in peace. Ah 'ave a favor tae ask of ye."

Slowly, the Hellsing sat back down and began to puff on a cigar. No insults? How odd. And no bayonets, either. The world was coming to an end. She motioned for him to take a seat, keeping one hand on the gun under her desk. "Go on…"

"Ah have come tae ask ye for yer blessing." As he was speaking, Sir Integra notice some kind of markings on the priest's neck. Were those vampire bites?

Hellsing raised an eyebrow. Her blessing? That made no sense. He was Catholic, and she was… wait… not that kind of blessing… oh Christ. Integra began gnawing on her cigar.

"Why the bloody hell would you want _my _blessing? Shouldn't you ask Alucard for his blessing? I don't even know why you want to marry the Police Girl anyways…"

Anderson began to look slightly uncomfortable. "Ah… ah am not going tae marry the lass…"

Integra became annoyed. "Then what do you need my blessing for, Priest?" Suddenly, it clicked. The bite marks, the uncomfortable air, Alucard… oh, Christ no. HELL NO!

From out of the floor right behind Anderson's chair suddenly rose Alucard, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and dripping water all over the place. So that's why the Paladin's hair was wet…

Integra attempted to make the nosebleed as inconspicuous as possible.

"We're getting married," said Alucard in his deep, sexy voice as he put his hand on the Priest's shoulder.

Integra's cigar fell out of her mouth.

"Well?" asked Alucard. "Do we have your blessing?"

"I… but…," Integra faltered, "what… WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!"

Just then, voices where heard in the hall outside of the office.

"I know Edward and Bella are supposed meant to be together, but Jacob is just so hot! How could she turn him down? I mean, he's got MUSCLES!" The Police Girl, of course.

"I agree 100% Miss Victoria, but I am sure thousands of fangirls would slaughter you if they heard that," said… wait, was that Walter?

Butler and vampire appeared in the office, the former pushing a cart of tea. "Oh, hullo," said Seras. "Have you told her yet?"

Integra began grinding another cigar between her teeth. "Yes, they told me," she snapped. "How did you know?

"Oh, me and Walter have known for ages. Right, Walter?" chirped Victoria.

"Indeed, Miss Victoria."

Hellsing put her head in her hand. This was completely fucked up. Suddenly, another voice was heard outside the room.

"Oh my little sveetie pie, vere are you?"

Seras clapped her hands in glee. "It's Schrodinger! I'm in here, my little kitty cat!"

A curious boy with cat ears peeked inside the doorway. As soon as he saw Seras, his face lit up. "Seras!"

The Police Girl ran to the cat boy and drug him out of the room, where very disgusting noises were being made.

Apparently, Anderson and Alucard didn't think they were nasty; they had knowing smiles on their faces.

Integra blanched. "JESUS CHRIST! I've had enough of this! Leave me alone!" She bolted out of the room, followed by a few odd looks. She ran through the Hellsing mansion trying to avoid Seras and the cat boy, who could apparently be "everyvere und novere" at once.

Finally, after running up and down many flights of stairs and through many halls, she found herself in her bedroom, where her bed was unfortunately occupied by none other than…

Incognito, the purple creep.

Without any clothes.

Of course, it's not like he would have had clothes on anyways…

The fuming Hellsing gave an aggravated scream and pointed at Incognito. "WHAT THE FUCKING BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?"

The purple… thing gave her a hurt look. "Honey, I'm your husband! Why wouldn't I be here? Now calm down and come to bed." He patted the spot next to him. "I'm lonely."

Integra gave a final anguished scream and ran into the bathroom, which promptly stopped and disappeared into the inky blackness.

Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing bolted out of bed and ran into the bathroom, where she promptly threw up. After she finished, she sat against the wall and looked at the black mass which had appeared next to the bath tub.

"Please tell me you didn't come up with that?" she panted.

Alucard gave his shaky master a grin.

"No, of course not. However, it's not unusual to dream so vividly when you're pregnant. Especially with my child."

Integra stopped getting up and stared. "I'M WHAT!"

**A/N: Well, I hoped you enjoyed that oneshot. I haven't posted in a while, and I wanted to let you know I'm still alive.**

**I'm sure you're disappointed. XD**

**Don't forget to review; tell me if you liked it, if you hated it, any errors, what your favorite color is… anything is fine. Just review. Please?**


	2. Chapter 2

**I wasn't planning on continuing this-it was only supposed to be a one-shot. However, I was going over my stories and was inspired to continue. Sorry about the fluffiness… couldn't help it. Just bear with me; it gets better near the end. Oh yeah, and sorry about the vomit.**

**Disclaimer: The usual. –sigh- Ist not mine.**

"You heard me. Pregnant," said Alucard as he watched his master vomit again.

"But… but… how…?" said the Hellsing after she had somewhat recovered, wiping her mouth on some toilet paper.

The vampire approached his master and then crouched down to her eye level. "Well, my Master, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they-"

Integra kicked him with her bare foot, which caused him to topple backward. "I know how, you bloody twit! I meant…"

"…at what point and why did you decide to give yourself to me?" said the Nosferatu, licking blood from the corner of his grinning mouth. Feisty.

She put her head in her hands. "Yes…" Then, she lifted her nightshirt and put her hand on her flat stomach. "A child…"

"Our child," he said, a hint of pride in his voice.

"But, the round table? And the organization? What am I supposed to do?"

Alucard acquired a dangerous look in his eye. "Damn them, damn them all. After everything you did for them, what did the remaining spineless cowards give you? The job of cleaning and repairing the whole of England. An impossible task, seeing as there is no one left. Allow me to slaughter the remaining members. You could say it was a rogue vampire, left over from the battle. I can do it all for you, my Master."

"I cannot. Even if I wanted to, my duty binds me to my organization, my country, and ultimately, to the queen."

Alucard opened his mouth to goad her, but seeing the expression on her face, he decided to refrain from aggravating her further. However, he wasn't done with the subject and vowed to continue the conversation at a later time.

"Come." Gently, the vampire slipped a hand under his master's knees and one at her back. With seemingly no effort, he picked her up and began carrying her to the bed, gently setting her down when he arrived. Dutifully, he brought her a glass of water, watched carefully as she drank it, then placed in on the bed side table.

The Count was just about to join his Countess in bed when…

…he began to make horrible retching sounds and doubled over in pain.

Alarmed, Integra sat up crawled to the other side of the bed to watch Alucard. She had no idea what was going on and was pretty sure this had never happened before. Well, except for that time when… never mind.

Just then, a loud splat was heard, followed the thump of a body, multiple groans of pain, and then…

Integra peeked over the edge of the bed. "…Alucard? Are you alright?"

"Vell, that vasn't viel Spaß. Being erbrach ist not und top of my list. Widerlich. Oh! Gute nacht, Frau Hellsing."

The Hellsing gave a look of disbelief. "Schrodinger?"

The cat boy wiggled his ears and saluted. "Ja! It ist me!"

From the floor came another groan of agony. "Oh, Christ, my stomach. My throat!"

Schrodinger leaned over Alucard. "I ist very sorry, Herr Alucard. Und for almost destroying you."

"Leave me alone," moaned the vampire as got into fetal position, clutching his stomach."

_Knock, knock, knock._

'Oh, shit,' thought Integra. 'Not again.'

**A/N: Dun dun dun… Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Now, I'm not quite sure I know in which direction this story is headed. At first, I thought, the next chapter should be another dream. Then I realized the title is **_**Knocking, **_**not **_**Dreaming**_**. So it's highly possible the direction will depend on feedback. That is if I get any…**

**Translations:**

viel Spaß- very fun

erbrach- vomited up

Widerlich- disgusting

Gute nacht, Frau Hellsing- good night, lady Hellsing

**Please Review!**


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